Grief is something that affects us all at some stage in our lives.   Grieving however, is often resisted by many:  it is dismissed as being too hard, too painful or because it takes up too much time.    There are those who even think it is unnecessary.   Many do not understand that there is a difference between grief and grieving.   As a result, social norms have developed over time in order for people to then cope with their grief, and to avoid grieving. However, these social norms have their foundations in myths.

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Here are some examples of the myths that abound in relation to grief.

 

 

Myth

You only grieve when someone dies.

REALITY

We grieve whenever we lose anything that has significance for us, 

 whether it be someone or something.

 

It could be the loss of a job, a loved one, the car, or part of our body.   It might be an intrinsic loss such confidence, self-esteem, or the holiday dream.  But whenever someone experiences a loss, it will be accompanied by grief.   Unfortunately, people do not believe that grief is a part of these kinds of losses, and so it is not recognised when they are affected by it.    Rather they dismiss their reactions, and blame themselves for being weak, or silly, or even stupid.   After all, what they are feeling can't be grief (they think), because you only grieve when someone dies.  

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Myth

Just focus on the positives and you’ll be right.

REALITY

When a loss occurs, there are always two things gong on.   Both need to be attended to.

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Any loss can present a new opportunity and at least some positive aspects - even if we have to look hard to find them.    But it is often difficult to recognise them in the midst of the anguish or disappointment of the loss and grief.   No matter how small the grief, or how large the gains that result from it, (or vice versa) we need to acknowledge and be respectful of both the positives that result from the experience, and the loss and pain we feel, because one aspect does not cancel out the other.  Whichever is not attended to (most often the hurt) will wait around and affect us (and our behaviour) until we do. People never adjust in a healthy way when they focus only on the positives.

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Myth

Grief only amounts to sadness and tears.

REALITY

Grief touches the whole of our being.   It affects us physically, intellectually,

emotionally and spiritually and as a consequence it influences our behaviour.

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Grief gives us aches and pains, sore muscles and joints.   It results in our feeling confused and often having a sense of disbelief about what has happened.   It disturbs what has been our normal or usual eating and sleeping patterns and it also affects our libido.   The range of emotions it brings is often frightening and people often do not understand why they are feeling as they do, whether it be rage, relief or guilt.   Grief provokes us to ask some serious questions about the meaning and purpose of life, and how we fit into it all.  Inevitably, how we act and interact with others is affected by all this.   Grief is much, much more than just sadness. 

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Myth

Grief is common to everyone, so we should all grieve the same way. 

REALITY

Our grieving is as unique as we are.

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No two people will grieve in the same way.   Even when two people experience the same loss, in similar circumstances, they will react differently.   Even within a family when siblings experience the same losses (the divorce or separation of their parents for example) they will express their grief very differently.   Why is it that some people move on very quickly with their grief, while others seem to struggle for a very long time?   Why do some people grieve at the time of their loss, while for others this process can be delayed for a very long time?   Although a natural process, grieving is a complex process and this is why it is often easier to ignore what is actually happening and demand that everyone should grieve the same way.

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Myth

Time will heal.

REALITY

Time alone does not heal grief.

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Grief is our initial and natural response to a loss.   It is involuntary.   Grieving on the other hand, is what we do in order to resolve this grief.   It is a process, and is a choice.  Grieving is not passive, where we just wait until we feel better - although this is in fact, what most people do.   This myth has held sway for so long and is so entrenched in our society that it has become a way of life.   And because the majority of people accept this and never actually work through the process of grieving, their grief is never resolved.   But they live in hope and wait for the discomfort and pain of their grief to go away with the passage of time.

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Myth

You should be over it by now.

REALITY

There is no “use-by date” within which to complete your grieving.

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When someone quotes this to another person, it is a fair indication that they have either not yet experienced a major loss in their lives (and therefore do not understand what it involves), or that they have had such a loss, but have not yet grieved for it (and wish to distance themselves from witnessing the distress of the other because they are upset by being reminded of it).   As mentioned above, grieving is not a passive process, so there is work to be done.  Exactly what kind of things a person will do, and how long it will take to do them, is unique to each individual.   Nobody can say when another individual should be over it.

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Myth

You never really get over it.

REALITY

Grieving is the means by which we heal. 

We can recover fully from the impact of any loss.

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When people say that you never really get over it, they are speaking their truth - they have never recovered from their loss and grief.   And so they accept this myth as truth and use it to comfort themselves and others.   There are many reasons why a person may have become stuck in their grief, or blocked in their grieving process.   Key among them is that we are never really taught about these issues and so do not have the knowledge or understanding to know any better than to accept what others say and believe that it is normal to never really get over it.   

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Myth

I should be able to do this on my own.

REALITY

Grieving is a social process.   It cannot be completed in isolation.

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The manifestations of grief are at the least, unsettling, but very often they are disturbing and painful.    People experience this in private.   The process of grieving is about learning to engage with life again, but to do it without what, or who, we had previously (whether that be a house, a job, a partner or a leg).   This means we have to do things differently - and consequently we need to adjust, to learn new skills and ways of doing things.   This requires the involvement of other people to help or teach us.   Grieving is a social process and cannot be completed in private, or on your own in isolation.  It is unreasonable to expect that you should, and those who believe this myth are never quite able to adjust or to get fully involved in life again. 

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Myth

I must not wallow in self pity.

REALITY

Allowing yourself to grieve is caring for yourself   It is not self pity.

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Self-care is something that many are unfamiliar with.   It is a concept that is not usually promoted in our society and any behaviour directed towards meeting our own needs is often labelled as being selfish.   More often than not, this is because when we attend to our own needs (rather than looking after someone else as we may have previously done) they feel rejected.   However, because your grief is unique to you, it is only you who knows what you need and it is only you who can provide that for yourself.    To have any expectation that others will "fix" things for you, or look after you,  is both unreasonable of them and unrealistic.   Attending to your own needs is not self pity - it is about realising that you have some needs that other's cannot meet for you, and looking after yourself is about recognising your own self-worth and being responsible.  

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Myth

It's best to leave people alone to get over it themselves.

REALITY

People cannot get over loss on their own. 

They need to maintain their connection with you and yes, you can help.

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The idea of leaving someone alone to get over their grief is perhaps well-intentioned and meant to avoid intruding during a sensitive time.   If that is the genuine intention, then it is best to contact the person and offer that explanation, or to question whether or not they would prefer privacy or company at this time.   Most frequently this myth offers a plausible excuse for those not affected by the loss to avoid their own discomfort in the face of a friend's distress.    But being left alone by people who were considered to be friends adds hurt to an already painful experience.   You might ask yourself the question that leaving them alone is best for who?